I was going to write a blog on the Boxing Day Test and the brilliance of nineteen-year-old Sam Konstas and his daring style of play against the best bowler in the world as a way of introducing a difficult topic for me – my challenges with money and how this issue reflects my lack of self-esteem.
Konstas’ debut performance made me think about how I work and the things that hold me back.
Last year was a hard year for me and, as a result, for my team at The Huddle.
I learned a lot last year, particularly in the second half of the year when cash flow became very tight.
I blamed the economy, the cost-of-living crisis, the US election, and Port's not making the Grand Final, but really, I think it had a lot more to do with my lack of self-esteem and self-belief in my skills, which was reflected in how I showed up in my business over a longer period than just six months.
I was overworking yet often ineffective. My communications with clients were not clear enough, and I was trying to do too many things at once. I was also trying to please everyone, and a lack of systems had caught up with me.
Eleven years ago, I stopped drinking. The shame associated with drinking used to cripple me, but it no longer does because I have talked about it so much. I owned my toxic drinking habits and my total lack of self-care. Now I want to own the shame I have around managing money so that I too can stop letting that have power over me.
I have always had challenges with money.
I have a crippling fear of being successful because if I'm financially successful, then that might mean that I'm intelligent. A weird belief system I know. But I was told for much of my childhood that I was a very good worker, but I wasn’t very clever. And guess what pattern I have lived out ever since?
So, I had to take action to address this unreasonable belief about myself.
I've been doing counselling and getting assistance from various people who have helped me enormously.
I was fortunate to win a scholarship to work on my business with Behind Closed Doors for this calendar year. This is exciting.
Just like when I gave up drinking, I had to start taking care of my health. This time, I am taking care of my mind. I’ve started reading books I had bought but never read—and they’re so good. I use meditation daily to connect with myself, feel more grounded, and challenge my assumptions.
I look forward to honing my business skills this year, taking risks, and being enthusiastic like our friend Sam Konstas.
I still have a lot to learn, and his courage inspires me. I look forward to applying my new knowledge and learnings to everything I do this year.
The Huddle will continue to develop and grow.
I'm truly excited about all the great things we can achieve this year. I'm particularly looking forward to being more courageous, intelligent, and focused. Watch this space!
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