A while ago, a friend of mine had a big argument with her daughter. They were both furious and stopped talking to each other. Weeks went by with silence. My friend eventually asked me for advice.
I asked her what she planned to do, and she said she would ignore her daughter for a few more days—maybe even if her daughter reached out. “She needs to understand how much she hurt me,” she said. “See how that feels.”
So, I asked her, “What do you think you’ll get out of that?” She paused and then said, “She has to learn that I have feelings too. I’m tired of being taken for granted.”
It’s such a human reaction, isn’t it? We punish to make others understand our suffering. But the reality is, as they say, hurt people hurt people. That cycle rarely ends well.
I pushed her a bit further: “Do you love your daughter?” “Of course,” she said. “And does she love you?” “Yes.” So, I suggested, “What if, instead of punishing her, you talked about how much you love her and miss her when you're not talking? What if you talked about what you both need to feel cared for so you can get back to talking to each other again?”
It’s so easy to stay focused on the hurt. When we’re upset, that’s all we can think about, and the pain just keeps getting bigger. Stress puts our brains into overdrive, and we dig deeper into our positions. Changing direction in that state feels almost impossible.
That’s why, when I help clients manage conflict, the first step is always listening— lots of listening. I let people vent, share their perspectives, and feel heard. I don't judge. Once people feel understood and heard, their stress is reduced, and now it’s easier to ask questions to help them consider other ways forward. You can’t resolve conflict if people are stuck in blame and punishment. It just doesn’t work.
The real shift happens when we start to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Empathy doesn’t come easily when we’re angry and hurting, but it’s the only way to truly move forward.
But often, we can't get there until someone has seen and acknowledged our own humanity through the listening process.
That’s when the story starts to change.
For my friend, once I connected with her humanity through listening and gentle questioning, it stopped being about who was right or wrong. It became about reconnecting and rebuilding. Everything shifted once she focused on love and curiosity instead of hurt and blame.
It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. Because when we change the story in our heads, we change what’s possible.
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